February 15, 1999
E-mail a Response
On Valentine's Day
Opinion
Girl, if U.S. News and World Report ranked colleges on categories like "Hot Lovin'," you alone would make us number one.
I want you to be my Crush Party Girl. Then I would invite you to my crush party. Except you wouldn't know who invited you. In that moment, I'd be your Man of Mystery.
I would weave across the sweaty dancefloor, alighting next to you at the bar. With my hands resting on the sticky surface next to yours, I'd play it cool.
"Hey there, sweet thing. What did you get on your SAT's?" Ha, now I have your attention. "That is to say, what other colleges did you apply to?" Sheer eloquence - now I have your interest. And now, to hit it home, "Want to be lab partners?" I smoothly whisper.
But you just turn to me and crush my party, "Thanks, but I work alone."
Damn girl! Well that doesn't phase me. I'll join an a capella group. Then you'll see, I'll get mad shorties now.
Alright Girl, now I'm on the scene for some real romance. I'm in Rulloff's. I got my white hat to the back, my new status in check. Hey Baby Doll, what's your name?
Girl: "What's up!!"
"Yeah, what's up cuteness? You enjoying yourself tonight?"
Girl: (chewing gum) "What's up!!"
"Damn, you make me melt with those words. What's your name baby?"
Girl: "Hi! I'm Jen!" (Pause) "Ok, I'm really Allison, but I thought I'd go by 'Jen' tonight because Allison's so generic. Hey, I liked the solo you sang tonight."
"Yeah, you know, I like Wonderful Tonight because not many people sing it. Actually, I should have been singing it to you, Girl, because YOU look "wonderful tonight." (Girl sighs).
"Did that do the trick? Yes? (Yes!) Ok, my place or yours?"
And there you have it Girl, now I'm on my way to true romance. Fireworks are going off. I am experiencing at the highest amplitude - oh what a night. I'm developing emotionally. I'm in college and I'm finding myself.
The masses swirl about the bar, guys pressing against girls to slip in an accidental grope. I can't hear what you're saying over the "Uga Shaka" pounding in the background, but it sure is pretty how you mouth the mysterious words. I think this is my heart responding. I'll cherish you forever in my blurry drunk memory, filed away with my blurry memories of college in general. Because it's Saturday Night and this is romance of titanic proportions.
...
Girl, I'm sick of the front all those other girls in the bar put up. I want romance, and I'm going to take you on a real date. Here atop this gorge, you'll love this view. Ithaca has some of the most romantic overlooks on Earth, and we may as well take advantage of them.
Wow, the way the moon bounces off the waterfall to hit your eyes - they look like bicycle reflectors baby. Let's stay here for the rest of our lives, my hand in yours.
Actually, I'm having trouble feeling your hand. Actually, damn Girl, it must be 50 below out here. Ok, I'm getting cold - let's go back to campus. You see God doesn't want Ithaca to be a romantic place, Girl. That's why he gave us these gorges but left out the climate warm enough to enjoy them.
"But we can go back to my place and cuddle!" you stammer.
Sorry Girl, problem sets call. In fact, problem sets are always trying to disrupt our romantic tendencies. That is their purpose. The Rich White Heterosexual Male Trustees planned it that way. They want to dismantle our ability to make romance, because love hurts achievement hurts job placement hurts attainment hurts alumni giving rate.
We are not to waste our youthful exuberance trying to find our soulmates, because it's not in line with their sick capitalistic vision. They'll tell you they're just trying to get us up to par with Harvard, but if you wade through their rhetoric you see what they're really saying.
Can't you see Girl, statistically, you and me are going to end up marrying people we met here. The most important decision of our life is based on a romantic experience that revolves around barhopping, semiformals and mixers crammed into the gaps between studying.
Everyone gets dressed up, checked out, complimented and generally feels beautiful. But we'll never go deeper than that. The music's too loud, the alcohol too disorienting, the talk too small and the time too scarce.
Girl, personally, I'm sick of the bitch-ass people who say Valentine's Day is corny or wear black because they happen to be single. The holiday makes new couples and enhances existing ones. It's a chance to express genuine feeling, which is exactly what our campus needs.
Valentine's Day commemorates one of the few instincts that's right with the human species, in a place where it does not receive the priority it deserves. Happy Valentine's Day Cornell.
Nathan Wilson is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. He would like to wish a very happy birthday to Uriyoan, his particular Valentine. The North Façade appears every Monday.
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